The Sacrifices We Make -1- What We Give Away
by Tori Crash
Summary: Antonia Stark's rich, beautiful, and brilliant. Her life unfortunately, is none of those things.
1. You must allow me to tell you

**Author's Notes:** This Chapter title is part of a quote from Pride and Prejudice: "You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."

 **Special Note:** I'd like to give special thanks to my beta, Chrystal Belle. I depend on good editors ~Indira Varma

 **Story Summary:** Antonia Stark's rich, beautiful, and brilliant. Her life unfortunately, is none of those things.

 **Story context:** "What We Give Away", much like "Distant Echoes", are a collection of tie-in stories for "The Sacrifices We Make". It'll give snapshots of Toni's life, as well as Pepper and others, before the events of "Don't Let It Bring You Down". Unfortunately though, there's probably going to be some major spoilers for "Don't Let It Bring You Down", and you might want to consider reading that before this one. Having said that, reading this first will only take away a few surprises, not ruin the overall story. Also, chapter numbers will change as I don't have an overall outline of these pieces and'll be posting them as I think and write them.

As for what to expect from the content itself, there will be major deviation from comic book lore, the inclusion of story elements from alternative Marvel universes, and generally mostly original content. Characters will only loosely conform to their Marvel counterparts, but, I hope, retain their overall flavour.

As a side note, and it pains me to say this, some've complained that my characters are too anti-archetype, that it's difficult to care about them because they're neither clearly good nor clearly evil, and that it's hard to become fully immersed in the narrative because nothing ever really get solved and the characters just keep continuing to suffer. So, I guess I'm kinda giving a warning. These stories are very 'Dark Age' and, I think, realistic. They're basically character treatments, and like in any real person's life, some problems will never be solved, some hurts will never heal, and some things that seemed really important at one time, will just fade away.

You also might vehemently disagree with Toni's reactions to parts of her life, or downright hate her opinions on some issues. Having said what I did before, you might outright hate some characters for something they will say or for some action they'll take, but please bear in mind that not all issues are black and white, and that I'm trying to portray deep and complex images of these "people's" lives.

*** Also please note, and this is very important, that these characters are not necessarily expressing my opinions on certain subjects, that they are their opinions alone and are important to the development of the story.

 **Trigger warnings:** There are a number of elements which may cause some to become uncomfortable. The major among these, and the one which will come up again and again, is Toni's relationship with her daughter and motherhood. Some may find reading her's or her daughter's thoughts uncomfortable, some may find the whole concept hard to deal with. Unfortunately, most of these pieces will revolve around Toni and DeeDee's interactions, their growing relationship, and their painful falling outs, and as a result, there will be no way to avoid these issues nor can I mark them.

There will be scenes of heavy drinking, recreational drug use, implied sexual abuse, implied underage sex, swearing, borderline child abuse, minor child abuse, very poor parental relationships, depictions of mental illness, depictions of PTSD, and other issues which may cause triggering. Like always, I'll try to mark these sections, but most are integral to character development, and unavoidable.

 **Explicit warning:** As stated before, there will be implied underaged sex, but absolutely no descriptions of it. Characters will make references, and will describe their feelings in the aftermath, but these are not intended to be pornographic in any way and I'll be trying my utmost to avoid making it seem even remotely so.

Some character's may have erotic scenes in the future, but I don't really have any plans for it. That being said, this isn't the main story and I will not be writing alternative versions for any explicit content, and they will be exclusive to Archive of Our Own. chapters will simply have those parts cut out with a short explanation of why.

I'm very sorry if this takes away from the story for anyone, but I'm starting to write more and more (a very good thing to me, yeah me!), and retooling a chapter just adds another layer of anxiety to my already neurotic psyche. But again, I will be putting markers at the beginning and end of such scenes so that you can skip them if you wish.

Thank you for reading.

 **Chapter Summary:** On June 13, 1984, Toni found herself at a crossroads most never dream of facing, and performed the first selfless act of her life. Even if it was the stupidest one.

The Sacrifices We Make  
What We Give Away  
Chapter 1: You must allow me to tell you

Antonia Stark laid quietly on a hospital bed with tears streaming down her face, but showed no other outward signs of distress. She didn't whimper or wail, sniffle or sigh, she just laid dead still on the raised back of the gurney, with those salty tracks glittering in the florescent light.

In her arms, she cradled a bundle of blankets and baby, the two crying on and off since the little girl's birth. The birth itself hadn't been all that traumatic for the Young Genius, but what was about to happen was. She was about to give the baby up. Not for adoption, not really, but she'd be handing her over to a woman her mother'd selected to be the infant's caregiver. She'd be the little girl's mother in all ways except legally.

Toni'd changed her mind about completely letting go of the girl during the third trimester, and decided that her name would remain on the baby's birth certificate. The woman would still be her legal guardian, but Toni's reconsidering even that. She just didn't want to give the girl up at all. She'd grown to love her while she'd developed within her body, and the bond only seemed to magnify exponentially now that she was on the outside of it.

And Toni truly thought the girl perfect. She was fresh from the womb, and her purpleishly pink fingernails looked manicured, her thick brunette hair expertly styled, and her tiny brows immaculately arched. Any studio exec worth his salt would immediately steal her away for movies and ads, at least Toni thought so. But she couldn't keep the baby, the Young Genius' life was far too messed to do that to a child.

Case in point, she's fourteen years old, holding her biological daughter in her arms, and about to hand the baby over to a woman she barely knew. Maybe that wasn't even the worst part of the situation. Maybe the worst was the fact that her own mother was looming over her bed, gently encouraging Toni to hand the girl over. But shouldn't a mother's mother want nothing more than to have her baby have a baby? Maybe not at fourteen goddamn years old, but at some point, and why give up something you already had, just to replace it later?

But again, Toni's life was messed, and her own parents were distant, and the Young Genius wasn't exactly stable. But the baby's eyes were the most gorgeous sea blue, and her little cooing sounds were the most heart achingly sweet. And the little human being was looking up at her, her eyes seemingly truly focused. But the girl was just looking, just staring. She didn't seem hungry, or needing to be changed, or bored, she was just, staring, quietly, her little fingers gripping her blanket tightly.

Antonia'd always resisted her father and Obi's attempts to get her to help design weapons, but sitting there, thinking about opening her arms and letting her baby be taken from her, it made her want to finish the Star Wars project. It made her want to create the cruelest weapons she could legally get away with.

Why'd she have to hurt so badly when other people got to go about their merry little lives? And why'd she have to give up her little girl when they could keep theirs?

She wished the baby'd stop staring at her. And weren't babies supposed to sleep after they're born? Don't they keep their eyes shut until they've had the chance to develop a little more? And shouldn't this little bundle of preprogrammed impulses be screaming her head off whenever she's awake?

When a nurse suggested Toni feed the little girl, her mother'd said it'd be a bad idea to breastfeed, that it'd make things harder. Instead, they handed her a bottle of formula. Toni thought it tasted disgusting, but fed it to the little girl anyways, because her mother was right. But not letting the baby suckle, was making her breasts ache and leak, and she'd thought about trying to make herself feel more comfortable, but she didn't deserve to be, she deserved to feel wet and slimy and hurty.

Then they asked if she had a name, and of course she did. She'd had a name ready the first time she read her own ultra sound and knew it was going to be a girl. It was actually a terrible name. She'd given the thing inside her the worst name she could think of, just so it wouldn't be one she'd love. But then she grew to love it, grew to love the stupidest name in the world, because it was her baby's name. *The* baby's name.

These emotions were a biochemical response, nothing more. Her body'd been flooded with natal hormones and they're driving her neural chemistry to bond with the infant. It was an evolutionary imperative, but homosapiens were more than just animals, they're sapiens, and Toni could think herself out of that biochemical trap. She could, if only the baby hadn't just closed her eyes and started looking like the most precious thing in the world. *Her* most precious thing.

The paperwork to register the infant's birth, and to sign away her custody, was sitting on the tray table, and the guardian mom was in the hall ready to take the girl away. But her own mother was asked to go with the nurses for some reason, and initially, Toni hadn't even noticed her leave, she was too busy wondering why her baby's eyelids were so purple. It must've been because she was so tired. If the girl could understand, Toni'd tell her twenty hours of nonstop work does that kind of thing to you. Unless, of course, you accompanied it with copious amounts of caffeine.

Toni herself felt exhausted, and she hadn't even done half the work. She wasn't the one who had to bend over backwards and be spit out a tube barely big enough to allow her bones to pass. And why did mothers piss and moan all the time about that? Why did television make it out like there had to be threats and screaming and yelling?

She certainly hadn't been comfortable, but more than a few of the acts that led to her baby's conception, had hurt a lot worse, and for a lot longer. Her little girl probably felt a whole lot more traumatized by the ordeal than Toni. Toni just felt grateful to be able to see her baby girl be born. Her mother had told her that in the past, girls like her wouldn't be allowed to watch themselves, and that their babies would be taken away the instant the cord was cut.

She was just happy to be allowed to see her little girl once.

No one knew Toni'd been pregnant. Her mother, Happy, and Jarvis all conspired to cover it up. They'd put her in baggy clothes to cover her growing baby bump, stuck her in isolation at a snobby rehab centre to keep her away from the media; then explained everything away as a drug and alcohol induced breakdown.

And no one would ever know that she'd had a baby either, not even her father. They'd leaked to the media that her hospital stay was for alcohol poisoning, and she could probably delude herself into believing the day never truly existed. But then, her baby yawned and it was the most wonderful thing she'd ever seen in her life, and it made her weep even harder. She'd never see another yawn again, or a sneeze ever. No first babbles, no mashed up food, no finger covered nips of coffee.

Toni'd never love another human being ever again.

She'd be a terrible mother anyways. She was as self centred as her father, as much of a nymphomaniac as her mother, and more of an alcoholic then the two combined. In fact, the pregnancy had been the longest Toni'd gone without booze since eight. And she was flighty, and inconsistent, and self destructive, and had no idea how to care for a kid, didn't know how to trim their nails or comb their hair. Or how to stop them from getting hurt.

Toni herself was a walking disaster area, constantly covered with cuts and bruises and no idea where they'd come from. And, would she even care if a kid got hurt? The first time she burned herself in his lab, her dad told her to keep working through the pain. Would Toni brush off her little girl's misery as easily as her parents did hers? Could she even empathize with a child? And how could she raise a girl when she didn't know how to be one herself? The only feminine thing about Toni, was that she needed to sit down to pee, and even *that* she's tried to overcome...

A pulled face and a noise drew Toni's attention back to the kid, and instantly knew that the girl needed to be changed. That wouldn't be cool either, changing a baby at three in the morning. Toni was usually still tipsy at that point.

Carefully, she laid the baby between her legs, unwrapped the blankets, and pulled the supply cart closer to the bed.

Children should be raised by people who knew what they were doing, or professionals, not rich brats like herself who'd complain about chafed nipples and spit up on thousand dollar dresses.

Toni wiped her tears off on her shoulder as she threw the used cleanex into the disposal; then grabbed another one to wet with saline, because she'd never subject another living being to the chemical atrocities of wet wipes.

And kids should only be raised by people who want them. And Toni would've terminated if she could've, just to prevent another innocent being from suffering, but she'd procrastinated too long.

Bypassing the offered creams, because she hated oily goop, she scooped up two finger heaps of unscented powder from the bottle she'd broken open the first time she'd changed her.

They needed someone who wasn't neurotic, wasn't self-absorbed, wasn't obsessed with their own needs.

She redid the onesy, gently wrapped the girl back up in the blanket, and made sure there wasn't any wrinkles or bunches in the fabric.

And a kid certainly deserved better than Maria, Howard, and Antonia Stark.

Then she pushed the cart away, settled herself back into the bed, and pulled the baby up to her chest, pillowing her soft little head with her breast.

Even Morgan's air headed girlfriend would be a better mother than Toni. At least the ditz had *some* mothering instinct in her.

When the infant began to fuss and make little cooing sounds, Toni pulled her gown down a bit, tugged the baby's blankets away from her face, and re-nestled the girl against herself, skin to skin.

Beth was so lucky to have a mother and father who loved her. Happy'd even flown out to New York with Beth, just so they'd be there to support Toni during the delivery.

Seeing the little girl on the verge of crying as she gnawed at her fist, Antonia tickled her finger between the baby's hand and gums to pull her little fingers away; then rolled over slightly to cradle the girl's head on her forearm.

But it didn't matter, Toni was incapable of that kind of love.

She shrugged a shoulder out of her gown, letting the little girl root and latch on her own.

She could barely fake it, even when she got something in return.

Swept the baby's cowlick down against her forehead.

It'd be beyond selfish for Toni to keep her baby, *the* baby, while fumbling moronically trying to pretend to be a mother, but really only ruining her little girl's life. *The* little girl's life.

The infant's fingers flexed and pinched at the Young Genius' skin, her sharp little nails leaving a series of scratches.

This wasn't a fairy tail, there were no knights in shining armour to protect little girls from monsters. Her own dad hadn't even known that he'd hired one.

Toni caressed the palm of the girl's hand, causing her to clasp and settle her fidgeting.

No, this had to be about the baby, not about what some chemicals were telling her to do. This was about practicality, not biology and genetics.

She rolled them over onto her right, allowing the baby to switch sides.

Antonia Stark was a weirdo screw-up, barely tolerated in any situation. An in-training corporate shark and a mad scientist, not parent material. She was Riddler material at best. And not even the Super Friends' one, she's sixties' Batman Riddler.

She sat up and held the little girl to her chest, to gently massage her back.

Toni's not even good enough to be the Joker. And what kid would want an overly giggly, moronic, bad pun dealing villainess mom anyway.

With the baby's spit-up cleaned, and her forehead nestled against the crook of the Genius' neck, she shook her head and laid back down.

Her thoughts weren't even motherly, she didn't even have control over her own mind. So how was she going to *be* a mother, or teach a child, she'd just ruin the Kid's life. Hell, she couldn't even keep plants or fish alive.

Tears began to fall again.

This was for the best. The baby would have a decent mother, the Trust would make sure she'd never go without, and Toni could pour what was left of her soul into HOMER. She'd just have to focus on making things she couldn't possibly hurt.

Toni started singing as she pulled the tray table to her bed,

"Wade in the water,"

Spread out the forms,

"Wade in the water, children,"

Filled in the baby's beautiful terrible name,

"Wade in the water,"

Then waited for someone to take her perfect little girl away.

"Momma's gonna trouble the water."


	2. Landslide Bring You Down

**Summary:** Even geniuses can be stupid, monumentally stupid. And self destructive. And... a whole lot of other things. But, Toni copes, the way Toni copes, regrets, and spirals a little further into something she can't really understand.

 **Author's Notes:** I'm not really sure what to say about this chapter, it just sorta happened.

The Sacrifices We Make  
What We Give Away  
Chapter 2: Landslide Bring You Down

Toni awoke to the scent of onions, sushi, dirt, and brie cheese. And to the worst pain she'd ever felt in her life. She felt like her insides were about to ooze out of her butt. Her head hurt, and the dark room spun relentlessly. She really felt like she was just about to die.

Carefully, removing the pencil from Cavity Sam carefully, she touched herself between her legs, and felt gooey stickiness. Her whole being deflated a little when she saw red coating her fingers. A single day out of hospital and she'd already torn her episiotomy stitches. But what truly amazed her, was how barely she noticed getting it done, and how much it goddamn hurt now.

She propped herself up on her elbow to take a look around, and the sea of naked bodies lying next to her, brought the night before into sharper focus. Then, she blew her nose onto her fingers to try to dislodge some of the crusties anchored in there, and set her mind to cataloguing her current situation.

It smelled, christ did it smell, and god her throat hurt, and she wished her head would just fall the hell off, and she was sticky, and her toes hurt for some very weird reason that she both wanted, and never wanted to know why, and she was bleeding, and she only barely knew where she was, and she couldn't see her clothes anywhere, or her purse, and she really didn't recognize any of the faces around her, and and and...

She really didn't have the brain power, or the will, to finish that list right now. She just wanted to go home, sleep off her drunkenness and bad high, and maybe hopefully bleed out in the process. Dead sounded like a nice state right about now. Dead'd make her headache and pain in the ass, most definitely reality's metaphor for her life, go away.

Grabbing the first shirt and pants she saw, Toni dressed, stole a pair of way too large shoes, and slipped out the door. Sticking around to have breakfast with those dorks really wasn't strong on her diversion detector at the moment. And besides, she was on a mission. Sleeping and dieing at home.

Every step made her bottom feel like a water filled balloon, every beam of light made her eyes want to fall out, and the blood coursing threw her ears was way too goddamn loud. Great giddy god, Toni needed to invent a hangover cure, or at least something that'd extinguish the sun.

Payphone. Luck didn't completely hate her, there was a payphone right outside the building's door.

She fumbled trying to hold the receiver in the crock of her neck as she dialed the company's 1-800 number. A moment later, one of her Dad's 'nothing but a body' receptionists answered.

"Stark industries, Lewanne speaking, how may I direct your call."

"Happy Hogan please."

"And who may I ask is calling?"

Toni lost it. The last forty-eight hours, the last year. Her father's airheads always pretending not to recognize her. She was a Stark, and she'd already decided she was going to act more like one.

Reaching into the pit of miserable they poured into her stomach, she let her grandmother's words fall from her mouth.

"Ms Jackson, please put me through to the garage, or Mrs Stark will be hearing about your leaving lipstick in Mr Stark's lap."

There was a moment of deafening silence; then, "yes Ms Stark, right away."

"Jackson," Toni flatly threw before the call could be transferred.

"Yes," the woman stumbled, "ma'am."

Her heart was pounding, she felt slightly euphoric, and her aches and pains faded somewhat into the background. She was a Stark, she was going to act like one.

"Please don't make me ask twice again." Her mother'd be so displeased if she could hear her Little Genius now. "Sooner or later everything's going to be mine. Including your stub."

Silence.

"Thank you Ms Jackson, please carry on."

The thrill mixed with the vodka and mescaline still floating in her system, coursed through her veins, and made her feel like she was channelling Senior, like she was bubbling with her mother's disdain for stupid women, like The Mighty Stim was speaking for her. The buzz it generated in her mind, melted a hard sheet of funk that'd been clinging to her for as long as she could remember. It drowned out her pain, filed down the sharpest points of her boogiemen's teeth.

"Yeah?"

A prick of annoyance stung her neck and shoulders. She's Antonia Stark.

"Mr Basso, if you please? Could you show the proper level of professionalism when answering my father's phones?"

"Listen kid-"

Toni cut him off. "I'm sure accounting and HR would be interested to hear how company equipment is being used to fix every friend and family member's of every mechanic's car, or that employees who've been dismissed are somehow getting oil changes and parts."

"Toni?" Happy suddenly came over the phone. "Where are you? What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong Mr," she stumbled. She just couldn't do that to Happy, he was always there for her. "Nothing's wrong Happy, and I'm..." Toni looked around, she really didn't know where she was. "East 25th and 2nd."

"What?"

"I'm standing near the corner of East 25th and 2nd street."

"Sweet jesus, what're you doing down there Toni?"

She thought about being snide, about telling him exactly what she'd done down there. "Could you come pick me up please."

"Yeah, yeah," he sounded worried, "I'll be right there."

"'kay."

"Don't go anywhere. And Antonia, please don't do anything stupid."

"Fine," she hung up.

She wondered what he was stressing over, it's not like she'd never disappeared before. And she'd only took off eighteen hours ago. Hardly enough time to get into a twist over.

Heavy shoe slaps drew her attention back to the building, and to the twenty or so year old boy jogging towards her. She really didn't need this.

"Hey, you were really cool, really great, we have parties like that all the time, why don't you come back sometime."

She gave him her most put-upon face while waiting for him to stop babbling. "I don't like reruns." Then almost laughed when his whole demeanour fell.

"Yeah, okay, that's cool, I was just wondering is'all."

Toni reach back down into her well-spring, and grabbed a little golden nugget of what her father'd say to a floozy. "Look hun, your cute. And I do love your enthusiasm, I really do. But you're just a distraction, an aperitif before a meal."

Anger flashed across the boys face, and for an instant, Antonia was a little intimidated, but grandma Stark would never let some punk get to her.

"Hun, give it up. You have about as much long term appeal as a canker sore."

His jaw set, his nostrils flared, his fists clenched. And Toni, pushed.

"Run along now, mother doesn't let me play with trash for very long."

He took a half step back, like he was winding up to hit her, but Toni didn't flinch, and was more than a little awed by the fact that she actually wanted him to. She looked at that dark spark of desire with fascination as her mouth went into autopilot.

"Please, do you honestly think you'd get away with punching out the daughter of the sixth richest man in the world, and do you really think I'd find that any sexier than you desperately following after your boner? Come on, I'm Antonia Stark, I can do so much better. I just stopped to pet you because someone left your cage open."

The boy'd begun to back down, but her insults drove the dander on his mangled pride even higher.

"Still not getting it hun? Alright, how about this? The reason I can remember you from a sea of dicks and clits, is because you were the lamest one there."

Alarms blared in Toni's mind, her headache and butt ache return with a vengeance, Happy's words echoed, her whole body started throbbing again, and her mind screamed at her to handle him.

"You do realize I'm fourteen, and the other inmates would break you in like a new baseball glove."

He stumbled backward a few feet; then flared up again, sticking his finger into her face. "You're a bitch Stark. A rich little cunt only good for a stabbin'. And you're probably a stupid dyke, you sucked enough carpet last night."

Another insult jumped in her throat, but she stopped herself before she could commit to the something stupid Happy asked her not to.

"Whore." He pushed her face, not in a way that'd hurt, but in a way that'd look humiliating. Then, he stormed off, muttering obscenities to himself.

"I don't call your mother that when she comes over begging me for it," she muttered under her breath.

Why'd she just do that? And why'd it feel so good? And why'd she still want him to hit her so she could make her threat to him a reality? Her mind'd been filling with solutions to all her fathers abounded projects since last night, it's part of the reason she went looking for a party, to shut her brain off. She didn't like the feeling gnawing at the pit of her stomach, she didn't like this directionless hate floating in the back of her mind. She had to figure this out before she three mile island herself.

Then she heard a baby start wailing on the other side of the street, and Toni nearly fell over as she spun around so fast to find the source. She felt her eyeballs sting at the sight of the kid being carried by its mother as she pushed an empty stroller in-front of her.

The baby kept crying, and Toni felt her breasts twinge and leak, and she felt a stab of guilt for letting a bunch of strangers play with what should have been her baby girl's breakfast.

No, it wasn't that simple. She didn't just spend the last day acting out because of that. It was a reaction to months of nothing. She needed release, an outlet, some fun. Her brain wasn't that simple and stupid and she'd just proved her point, hadn't she? Toni'd be a useless mother, she'd probably poisoned her milk with all the crap she took last night. The girl was better off.

"Stop crying, you're not fixing anything, stop."

What would she do? Leave the kid with Happy while she went out and had her fun? Have her tucked into her arm while she alienated the employees? Ask someone to bring her to visit mommy in the hospital when she got herself decked out?

She needed to stop trying to make herself feel bad, needed to stop trying to find some reason to get her baby back.

"THE BABY ANTONIA!"

A few pedestrians jumped at her outburst, but she didn't give a care, she was Antonia Stark, and they were so far beneath her she could barely see them.

The Lincoln pulled up and Toni slid in without thinking, without cataloguing and analyzing the possible outcomes given her current state, her mind was too busy ping ponging around over the decision. And it was the right decision. She just had to stop thinking selfishly, she had to stop thinking about her own wants and needs. What was best for the baby was all that mattered, she had to not be what that prick called her for her little girl.

The car wasn't moving, and Toni looked to see what Happy was doing; then followed his horrified gaze down to her lap. Her blood'd soaked into the cheep Woolworth pants she stole. And she was crying. And she'd acted like an entitled tyrant to the employees...

Oh god no...

Happy nearly broke the shift stick off slamming it into drive, and almost smashed a taxi peeling away from the curb.

"Happy it's just the stitches," she tried, but he wasn't listening. "Happy I just popped a few stitches!"

It was no use, and she did this to herself. She had enough evidence on her body and in her behaviour, to give everyone more than enough justification to make her life very, very miserable.


End file.
